Send Your Replies to Ann Marie
Hi Ann Marie,
Well, this part of my life is pretty much on hold while I parent these little ones. They need all of me at this time. Hopefully later I can pursue a relationship, but for the last two years....I am alone with my cat. It is lonely, but my little ones need to be well and whole before I can be in a relationship.I guess I am not much help on this matter but you are certainly not alone.
Bonnie
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Ann Marie,
I think that you got an excellent response already. I just want to add that I had difficulty for years with this--I didn't actually hurt anyone (my special person) but I felt that I might, imminently...and that scared me a lot...because I just had so much rage inside. I would be devastated if someone I'd been with three years decided to just be friends; on the other hand, it illustrates that he takes care of himself in healthy ways. I wish you well. Just a note to tell you that you are not alone. We have been hurt so badly that rage has made a home in us. I needed to find healthy ways to work through that--it took me a long time. I was fortunate to have a patient, caring, unconditionally accepting person in my life. I remember when we posted a big piece of paper on the fridge with a list of "healthy rules" like no hitting, use words. That was years ago, but I remember how much of a struggle working through all that emotion was, learning those skills, dissociating less. I am so much happier now. I wish the same for you. Hang in there. You can do it--and you're fortunate to have him as a friend. Maybe he can hang in there, too?
Me
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Hi Ann Marie,
We have a similar situation around relationships with men, except we don't
even get to the dating part because our Little Ones are too scared of
getting hurt. They equate intimacy and closeness and physical touch with
being brutalized. We (the adults and older ones) keep reminding the Little
Ones that they will never again be forced to do anything that hurts them in
this way. The difficulty comes when the Adults who long for the intimacy,
even the physical part, are attracted to someone, this alerts the Little
Ones to danger and everyone clams up. Right now I'm trying very hard to open
communication channels between parts and especially from the adults to the
Little Ones so they can feel taken care of, since they have never truly
experienced this before. There was no one to comfort them when they were
alone after bad stuff happened to them, so they don't know what's like to
feel safe and be able to trust an adult, even our own adults.
I wonder what your angry parts are trying to tell the rest of you. What did
she have to face that created her anger? Is there another outlet to
expressing this anger in a safe environment? In therapy? I wish you all the
best in learning to know your system and the unique way you've survived your
abuse.
Hope my thoughts helped. Don't give up on love. Especially for all your
humanity. You deserve it!
Sincerely, Kate et al