Thanks so much! - Lynn W

(Please send YOUR thoughts, on any month--we update these asap! - Lynn)

K. writes:

I recently returned home from an excellent inpatient experience. In working with my parts inside we were introduced to 2 new parts, one who is a twin of another part inside. I have a sense there is another part inside who is also part of the twins which would make them triplets.

What makes this so interesting is I am a triplet. Myself and my one sister are identical and my other sister is fraternal. Does anyone else have a similar experience, and do any of you know if there is any informaion on "multiples" with multiple parts?  Thanks for sharing your information.

See or send replies to K.

Denise writes:

I've heard about how important it is to honor your parents. I'm really confused about how to honor my parents when I have been abused. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

See or send replies to Denise

Michael & Crew writes:

We often find it difficult to get a good night's sleep. It seems some of us are up all night working on something, but there are others who are asleep. We are wondering if anyone has suggestions for getting all of us asleep at the same time.

See or send replies to Michael & Crew

Ann Marie writes:

How do people with DID date and handle sexual encounters?  Every time I get close to a guy, my angry part comes out and beats the hell out of him. Needless to say, it ends the relationship. It always happens when things turn sexual. When my angry part takes over, she ruins everything!

I spent three years with a man I wanted to marry. I truly loved him, I wanted us to get married, and he wanted the same. He was the first person I told about having DID and he was so supportive. But when the relationship turned physical, my angry part punched him in the face and gave him a black eye and a busted lip. He left me that night and broke up with me.

He came back months later, but only as a friend. I know it's not fair for me to ask for anything more than friendship from him. He can't handle my angry part--and I can't handle my angry part! Others in my DID support group have the same problem. Does anyone have good suggestions about this? It seems like it's a big problem for lots of people.

See or send replies to Ann Marie

Katie P. writes:

I've been aware of being dissociative for about two years. Just recently I started wondering if I'll ever go back to feeling real and here, or if I'll feel gone and  inhuman the rest of my life. Has anyone had experiences either way? Also, I have no local support groups. Any suggestions?

See or send replies to Katie P.

Paulette writes:

When you can't control your outer panic, is there another human being you can get in touch with, in the middle of the night, to help with grounding? Help lines, for example?

I don't want to call my therapist all the time, & I'm feeling so alone with this problem.

See or send replies to Paulette

CL writes:

Some of our alters have very violent flashbacks that no one but them remembers. I think maybe they are made up so what really happened doesn't seem as bad, or maybe they are from movies or TV. Don't know why this would be. What do you think? Very vicious memories, don't seel like they could be real.

If you have ways to tell between what was 'real' and what is 'imagined', please share.

Thank you.

See or send replies to CL

ME writes:

I am interested to know what the laws are regarding a therapist reporting past abuse. My husband recently told his therapist that I was abused as a child. Apparently, his therapist was perturbed that MY therapist didn't report the offender (who abused me). I was in therapy for many years and have completely integrated. Was my therapist required to report? I thought a therapist only had to report imminent danger to self or others.

I have not ever had clear memories (tho my husband doesn't believe me), except one, and that could be more physical than sexual abuse. These occurred a gazillion years ago. If my therapist had ever reported, I probably never ever would have felt safe enough to trust him. If anyone knows the answer to this question,I'd appreciate it.

See or send replies to ME

Artsy writes:

I've found a lot of help and soothing through drawing, painting, sculpting, and even playing music that expresses what I feel. However I don't have a therapist right now who can help me figure out what some of this means. So I have two questions: #1- are there any good resources that might help survivors understand how to interpret their own artwork or creative expressions (safely) and #2 - what forms of creativity have you used to help you feel better or improve functioning?

I understand that ideally, I'd have an art therapist or something to help me with this. But I bet I'm not the only survivor of abuse who doesn't have enough $$ to buy therapy services on a regular basis.

I'd love to get answers from therapists as well as survivors. Thanks!

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Coper writes:

I have several alters inside. But they only seem to come out when there is a lot of stress/trauma. I want to learn co-consciousness. I have experienced it a couple of times, but I was not in control. I was present, but in the back just observing. I want too be able to come out and talk to them and comfort them and let them know that the abuse is not still going on. My biggest trigger and fear is blood. If it is mine or someone I care about- I split in a second, and may not come back for hours. This scares me, as someoe I love could bleed to death, and I would be hiding in a closet or something! I don't know who the memory belongs to, but I have a feeling it is someone very young. Please help!

See or send replies to Coper

Steve writes:

Does anyone out there have good information about panic attacks? Are these common for people with dissociative problems?

I seem to have a problem with panic attacks, which crop up once in a while, unexpectedly. I'm taking a very few milligrams of a beta blocker daily, and that seems to help, as does spiritual contemplation.

When the apparent panic attacks started I didn't know what was happening, and I thought I had a serious blood clot or something going on. I had a battery of heart tests at that time, and nothing came up, so it appears that I have either an undiagnosable heart condition, very bad acid reflux type digestion problems, or occasional panic attacks.

In most ways right now I'm encocuraged because I'm more in touch with my feelings and I'm avoiding the desire to flip out and dissociate.  However, it appears my body doesn't know quite how to deal with the fact that I'm not dissociating as a way of dealing with stress or threats.  I'd like to be able to get my panic attacks under control a little faster. If you have ideas to share, please pass them along.

See or send replies to Steve:

Susan writes:

I recently moved to a new area, and need to find a local therapist. I already have a few names of people who are supposed to be qualified in treating trauma. But what should I look for? Does anyone who went through this have guidelines that they used to make a good selection?

Thanks for your help.

See or send replies to Susan

Paul writes:

I'm a man who experienced clergy sexual abuse. I know there are others out there like me, but I feel weird discussing this in a group. How long does it take to get over this? Any suggestions?

See or send replies to Paul

Lys writes:

As a long-time friend of a woman who recently told me she was abused as a child, I want to know how to help. I'd welcome suggestions from partners, friends or people who share her experience and are working hard to recover. What are the most important things I can do? I get pretty scared about her situation, sometimes. She seems pretty desperate, though she does like her therapist.

Thanks if you can help!

See or send replies to Lys

Pollyanna writes:

For years I felt I couldn't do what all the wonderful people who dissociate do. I couldn't find real 'selves' or find complete time periods to work or feel. Instead, my awareness is little ripped time fragments, like Ali Baba sitting on his flying carpet charging into an overwhelming precision of some thought or activity. Then, time ripped and a different response or different particulars, but now watch carefully those neighbors or family or church friends around me. What has just been said or done by me, that they look at me, or laugh? --Jolt! Some other ripped tattered fragment is meeting the demands of responding. But I didn't want my psychiatrist to know.

Sure, they know I dissociate, but I didn't want anyone to know how very little there really is inside this body with two arms/legs and a head. It's just scraps, tatters and useful fragments for only certain tasks/certain situations. My fear of social exchanges has provided me with a very thin veneer/support system. There are too many fragments! They are like confetti at a wedding. I wish I could just walk through the confetti into a blissful future. My intense emotional stress has left me with a heart problem I hadn't detected, and I have yet to feel pain. How do I explain what I can't explain to my cardiologist? He asked me if I had had post traumatic stress syndrome. I said Yes, and left it at that...

See or send replies to Pollyanna

Wendy writes:

I'd like to hear some happy news. I know that being mpd/did or having PTSD can be really difficult, but I have found consolation in the fact that life doesn't have to be dismal all the time, and there is hope and life to be enjoyed. How about you? What has been happy in your life, lately?

See or send replies to Wendy

Brenda writes:

I am having great difficulties with boundaries. I think I am doing something nice (as I would like to have the same things done to me) but it turns out to be a boundary violation. I wish I knew how to look for boundaries and not to violate them. (I know!!! I had sterling examples when growing up--NOT!) I have to keep my wall down and not get so angry at myself when I falter, and learn from my mistakes. I don't know what else to do. Any suggestions?

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Cherie writes:

After several years of "good functioning" (although not total integration) I have had a series of financial and health setbacks in the real world that have brought on increased dissociation and feeling overwhelmed. At a time when I most need to be active, constructive, and organized I find myself(ves) scattered and paralyzed, especially in my work. This is a self-destructive cycle, since the lack of $ can only be solved by working more efficiently - yet my work habits are spiralling down, not up. I'm not in active therapy (can't afford it), but I do write in a journal sometimes. Last time I journaled I realized that I was afraid of my own emotions - so afraid that whenever I'd start to work on a project and would 'feel something', I'd stop right away.Also, I seem to have no inside Leader - everyone inside is going off in a different direction, so nothing gets done properly. This is getting me nowhere. Any suggestions?

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Gypsy writes:

We first learned about us in 1995, after an 'unconscious' suicide attempt. I still have trouble with internal parts fighting and arguing. Could you share suggestions on how to relieve the fighting and calm things down inside?

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Rosemary writes:

All of the material I've read so far talks in terms of visual memories.  I have no visual memories but experience the flashbacks of what happened to me kinesthetically. In fact there are no people at all in my memories before college.  Only empty rooms, seen out of the corner of my eye.

Are there any resources you suggest that might be helpful in dealing with
this? 

Send or see replies to Rosemary:

Jane writes:

I live in England and would like to form a self-help group similar to New Landscape in New York, as mentioned in MV. However, I am wondering how you would go about forming a self-help recovering DID/PTSD group when you don't know others who dissociate. How would you find safe people? What would be a safe place to meet? I would also appreciate hearing any positive or negative experiences you may have had in a group for recovering dissociatives that is not led by a therapist. I want to create a healthy, helpful environment and need to know what to do and what to avoid.

(PS from Lynn - Possible group members from UK can send addresses which I'll forward to Jane, if you want, but I will not post addresses here.)

Send or see replies to Jane:

Kat writes:

I am new at this. We were diagnosed last month with DID. I have 4 little girls inside with names. I am aware of what is going on and what is being said for the most part when they are in control. I have known about them for 14 years, however, I could never afford therapy. I tried to overlook them and at times I felt theywere in hiding. I realized a was spending a great deal of time in my head and carrying on conversations but don't know why they come out or what the conversations are about. Is this co-consciousness or not?

I know things in my head, however I have very few memories for the 47 years that I have lived. How do I get that time back? How is that information obtained from the others? Is hypnosis the only way? Does EMDR bring it out?

Send or see replies to Kat:

Alex writes:

PM writes:

I am currently in therapy three times a week, paying for all of it out of pocket, and I'm feeling overwhelmed. My therapist says my discomfort is because I am "in denial" but I don't think so. Today I couldn't go to work. This is the fourth time in recent weeks. I can't keep doing this work. I do want to "get better". What do you suggest?

Send or see replies to PM.

Kari writes:

I've been in therapy for about 3 years or so and my therapist is great. Last summer, I remembered some memories of abuse that I had repressed.....  (and with good reason!)

sometime after that, alternative ego states started appearing...  and I am soooo creeped out...

My therapist keeps telling me that I'm not crazy.... that its all perfectly normal and in proportion to the abuse I suffered...  I can be okay talking about it with certain people  (can't share the details with my husband or parents or anyone at church), and I can talk to "them" and interact in my head... but whenever one of "them" show up and talk to my therapist, I freak out....

anywho....  I doubt I have full blown DID, since I am aware at all times of "everyone" and I'm still in my head even if someone else is in charge....  but its still freaky enough for me to be, well.... freaked
out.....

how did YOU get used to this? Or not? thanks for listening...

Send or see replies to Kari

Sabrina writes:

What's it like to start dating again? How do you tell someone that you've been in therapy on and off most of your life? I wanted to take it slow with this guy, but he didn't and bam! What a monster! (It turned out to be a domestic violence situation, and almost sent me reeling back into dissociation, but I couldn't dissociate from it.) I'm out of this mess but would like to know if others have had similar experiences, and what you might do to avoid this. I'm going to be moving to another state, and I want to start fresh and form a *healthy* relationship!

Send or see replies to Sabrina

Pat writes:

DS writes:

I live in a rural part of the country. In the last few years I've lived in three different states in the NE. I realize that different locations have a different rate of 'acceptance' of DID or dissociation. For example, after one hospitalization where my diagnosis was not questioned, I had a case manager say she did see different parts within me--but then she asked "Is D.I.D. really a valid diagnosis?"

Do some parts of the US have different numbers of diagnosed DID? Is this because more therapists accept it in certain regions? Or is there a way for people here to share -- completely anonymously -- the area(s) where they grew up and experienced their extreme duress /trauma/ dissociation? What state and was it rural, urban, suburban or???

Please reply if you feel comfortable answering this question.

Thank you.

Send or see replies to DS:

Donna writes:

I moved in with my son last summer and it is pleasant enough, but I am still having a hard time adjusting because, frankly, I have a lot of time on my hands. I volunteer at our Social Club and will also be working on the warm line (an outreach non-crisis phone line, something like RAP) but still feel empty and that my life has no meaning. I will be sixty soon and think there should be more to life than this.

My parts are not around like they used to be. I don't know if they are hiding or feel secure and have integrated somewhat. I have worked through most of my trauma and now am trying to work on the Now, and just live my life as best as I can. But frankly, I am not sure what that is. I am not quite ready for a regular job, as I am going through med changes etc. for bipolar disorder.

I wonder if others have gone through this, and if so, they could enlighten me.

Thanks!

Send or see replies to Donna.

Jeanette writes:

I've been in therapy 13 years. I've accomplished a lot but it's been up and down because of my home life-living situation. I've learned to cope and manage and function "out there," and am doing well at it--making a good income on my own. But it feels like I've "squished" down parts of me in order to do so. A collective "we" doesn't seem to be anymore...parts still come out but no one has a name. I don't know if that's integration or fear or what--not having a name.

I'm at a standstill in therapy. My therapist, and myself(ves) don't really know what to do anymore. I go into denial, disbelief and whatever it takes to make it, but on weekends I crash and the depression is harder and harder to overcome by Monday -- or at least enough to get back to work. I'm so tired of living this way. Has anyone experienced this?

Send or see replies to Jeannette

Ellen F. writes:

What can be done about an alter who is persecutory? This alter has threatened to kill me and make life unbearable for the others in the system.
I would appreciate any insight you have on this.

Send or see responses to Ellen F.

Tory writes:

While taking our dog out for a morning walk, it dawned on us that we need to learn how to celebrate our victories. Recently we were able to go deep into our system and uncover the key to our anorexic programming- and wow, things have changed positively in a very short time. This is something we definitely need to recognize and pay tribute to. Our usual habit is to gloss over any successes and just keep pushing ourselves into more and more recovery work.

Rarely, if ever, do we take a healthy break or celebrate. It would be helpful to read about the kinds of things other survivors do (either internally or with other people) to honor their successes. Also, if anyone has had trouble trying to do this-we would appreciate any kind of sharing, either with or without resolution.

Thanks!

Send or see replies to Tory.

Ellen writes:

Barbara asks:

I was diagnosed with DID about 13 years ago. I'm having a very difficult time. A few years ago I was doing pretty well. Things inside were relatively calm. Then three years ago I suffered a devastating loss. My oldest son died of leukemia at age 26. My insides turned to chaos, and new parts formed. I am struggling to recover, but am not making much progress. Holidays are especially bad. My therapist calls me regularly to be sure I'm ok, but I'm barely hanging on. Support groups have not worked well so far. Does anyone have suggestions on what I can do to stabilize and get the chaos to settle down?

Thanks for any help or ideas you can give. I really want to hear from others about this.

Send or see responses to Barbara.

Lynn W. asks:

Have you ever been on disability? How did you make that decision? What was the application process like for you? Are you still on it? Are you 'in transition' or have you gone back to work? How did you know you were ready to work again? Did you test your working ability gradually, or just plunge back into the workforce?

For a presentation to professionals later this year, I'm gathering information about the pros and cons of social security disability for people recovering from trauma. If you have any experience with disability -please share it with MV readers here, or email me directly with your contact information. Thanks!

Send or see replies for Lynn W.

T asks:

Many years ago I got clean and sober. When that happened, among other things, my head got quiet for the first time in my life. With this quiet came children inside. I didn't know what to do with them and didn't understand what they were about so I created an internal counselor to be with them and keep them company, since they would not talk to me. When I would get triggered occasionally over the years I would expereience myself as though I was looking at the world and responding to triggers from another place within me. I experienced that "someone" was responding but it didn't sseem to be me and I was unable to stop the response until it ran its course. Then I would not always remember everything I had said or done. Prior to getting clean I would "lose" incredible amounts of time; however I don't know if that's the Kids or chemicals or both, & I'll never know that.

Fast forward to recent events:
Since I became clean and sober, I have completed college and got my MS in counseling psychology. I also became aware of other children inside. I assumed that everyone had conversations going on in their heads all the time, and was shocked to find out that not everyone has that experience. Not long ago I was told by an experienced trauma therapist that I have a dissociative disorder. Many people I have visited with who are MPD experience a great deal of upset in their lives, including periodic hospitalizations, etc. I haven't experienced that since I got clean. I don't cut or have eating disorders etc. I don't experience long and awful depressions any more. Occasionally, I experience anxiety attacks, tho not very often. I have awareness of the Kids, but don't experience much upset from them, except on rare occasions when they're triggered.

Because I am a therapist and live in a rural area, this is a very touchy subject.I must proceed carefully and discretely so I don't lose credibility. What do readers think about my situation? Does anyone else relate to it?

Thanks.

Send or see replies for T.

Deborah asks:

I have some questions regarding integration. Once you have a "core" or primary part integrate, is it possible that they "come back" or reappear? Could or would they still be triggered by something? or do they simply disappear and are gone? It feels more like a "blending" to me, yet at the same time, it feels like I am grieving something (or someone) and I don't even have a clue why. Any thoughts? Thanks!

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M.R. writes:

I've been in therapy with my latest therapist for the past five years. (My diagnosis is D.I.D.) She has just told me that she's planning to retire and move very far away in five months. This was an absolute shock that we weren't expecting,a nd my kid parts and most vulnerable adult parts were utterly devastated by the news. Two major things are going on: panic about never being able to find another experienced therapist, because we have very low income (but not low enough to qualify for low income services) and no health insurance. Plus it is extremely difficult for us to drive very far. The other thing that's going on, of course, is a huge grief process, and our emotions seem to be portioned out to different parts. Right now it's angry teenagers who refuse to talk to the therapist.

Some earlier therapist-experiences do not help this situation. For example, 20 years ago, before we know about our trauma history, we started having panic attacks and became the client of a very unhealthy therapist who abused us for 3 years. (We finally reported her to the state, and her license was revoked.) Several years later, we got up the courage to try therapy again. That therapist helped us thru the legal hassles and finally diagnosed us. But she too moved out of the area. It was sheer luck that led me to the one we have now.

So--obviously we have some trust issues with therapists. We'd like to hear from others who have made it through losing a good therapist, and what helped them keep at it. Also, what is the appropriate/healthy process for terminating a therapy relationship when it isn't the client's idea?

Your suggestions and comments are deeply appreciated.

Send or see responses for M.R.

Kristi writes:

What do you do when your psychiatrist (or other doctor, or form of support) tells you that "if they don't see improvements soon, then they will more than likely stop treating you as a patient."

You see, in my situation... it's really the anorexia that is making this "ultimatum" come up. My psychiatrist just recently told me, "you need to gain some weight, improve some, or else I don't know if I will be able to treat you anymore...".

number one, he's scared to death that I am going to die... because of the starvation. and number two, he is convinced that since I'm still losing weight, that he is NOT helping me at all. and that is so far from the truth!!! I wish with all my heart that I could gain weight, to make ALL my doctors see that YES they are helping me. (a lot of my docs feel this way...and i feel that any day now, one by one, they will each give me this ultimatum, because they are so frustrated with me...) and they truly are; without their help, I would have given up. I've improved in so many other areas of my life, since I've been in therapy. I'm a better, smarter person than I ever was. And I want them to see that... NOT just the weight loss.

I know my psych technically isn't saying, "Kristi, I'm giving up on you..." but that's what I hear in my mind when I think about what he said. Due to my fear of trust, this whole situation is causing me a lot of... sadness and confusion... I understand his intent, and his actions. I really do. therapists have a cut off point sometimes where they have to stop treating a patient, if they think they aren't helping. but that is the LAST thing it's doing for me... I'm NOT motivated to gain weight-- my mind set is, "Well, since I'm too terrified to gain weight (I honestly believe I can't be happy at a higher weight...and I don't want to be at a higher weight ever again) then he's going to "give up on me" eventually, so why prolong that hurt??? get prepared now for him to say goodbye, brace yourself for it...and it won't hurt as much. (goodbyes absolutely tear my world apart...abandonment issues)

I might die from anorexia, very possibly...because, I see no way out. No matter how much help I receive, I don't think I will ever be comfortable in gaining weight... and that's not because they aren't "helping" me... its because Ii'm trapped inside my own mind; the voice inside my head has the key-- I don't...I cant unlock it to escape. but I DO try very hard to eat, everyday i do... it's a major struggle.

I would love to know others' opinions on the situation, how others have handled it, when the therapist feels that they aren't working hard enough... that they aren't progressing as much as they should with their trauma issues, etc. things like that. It's so devastating to me to feel like this... to feel like my psych is just throwing me away...which, I know that's NOT true, he's a very caring man, he wouldn't do anything to hurt me, all he wants for me is to be happy. I know it's my "issues" that are making me feel like he is throwing me away. I just don't know how to cope with it. Please help!

Send or see responses for Kristi

Shellie writes:

I have a question about Dissociative Disorder.
Can a person suffer from DD and KNOW about the other personalities?? What I mean is, I have heard of MPD in a sense that most of the time, the person suffering from MPD knows nothing about the other personalities....Is DD the same thing??
I have been diagnosed with PTSD, (due to many years of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of my ex husband), but while reading your site "Many Voices" I can see a lot of myself in some of the writings.
I have often thought I was going crazy, because I feel like so many "different" people. The only difference is that I am somewhat "aware" of what all of my personalities are doing. (I hope I am making sense??)
I really don't know how to describe it other than at times I am quiet, content and shy...other times I am outgoing, vibrant, even seductive, then there are times I am very professional in appearance and attitude. My personalities tend to change with the wind....and it's gotten to where I don't really know who I am anymore.
I would appreciate any advice/insight you can give me on this subject.

Send or see responses for Shellie

Donna writes,

I have cut back on my sessions with my therapist and am trying to re-enter the world. I have been applying for a part time job and introducing other activities. My problem is that my parts seem to shut down and hide. I am having a very difficult time transitioning from my session back to the outside world or vice versa. The same thing hapens when I have to go for interviews or do an activity like volunteering. After a few days of outside activity I then have meltdowns and panic-like attacks or worse. I become chaotic within and they seem fearful. I can't seem to find a balance. I was wondering if others have the same problem and if you have any advice as to how I can teach them/myself how to transition between my world and theworld outside. I would appreciate any feedback you can give me.

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G writes,

I have a friend/acquaintence who I don't trust...for many reasons. I have distanced greatly, but haven't had the courage to completely end the friendship (or "entanglement"). I'd like to ask readers two opposite questions:

1. Have you ever decided to end a friendship? Why and how did you do it?

2. Describe your best friend! Or the best friend you have ever had, and what made your relationship special and honest.

Thanks so much!

Send or see replies for G.

Anne writes:

These days, I am looking for ways to combat intense loneliness. I have integrated most of my selves and I am very lonely...add to that a divorce and the kids are gone. I took an identity workshop and realized I feel like nothing inside. I like myself, but I feel like nothing and nobody. Do other people who integrate feel like that?

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J. asks

I am trying, quite unsuccessfully, to find any information on retraumatization due to "body work"/somato-emotional release. I was newly integrated--it appeared to my therapist and myself to be stable--until I unwisely underwent a form of body work offered by my physical therapist, called somato-emotional release.This was extremely abreactive in nature, which I was told it wouldn't be, and I wound up splitting off again, much to my chagrin. Do you know where I can find any articles/books/personal experiences on something of this nature?

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From MB:

Hi. I'm writing this because I feel hopeless and don't know what to do. I've suffered from depression/anxiety for over a decade and am tired of holding on for what I assume will only be more suffering. I am on disability, have no friends and feel no joy from anything. It's as if I've slowly receded over the years.

I was abused as a child, and am tormented by memories. Worse than that, though, is the fact that I've let my life get so far away from me. I cry all the time and feel as though I'm living in a vacuum. Living feels like a life sentence. I am tired of holding on for the implausibility of happiness or, at least, the absence ofmisery.

I have tried to get well, but nothing seems to work. I feel that the damage done is irreparable. I know I sound negative but I just don't know what to do anymore.

I'd appreciate any advice. Thank you.

Send or see responses for MB:

Dear Friends,

We're going to cover more on PTSD (in war veterans, victims of violent crime etc.) in MV in the coming months. My question for you is--what can survivors of child abuse teach survivors of severe adult trauma -- and vice versa? What is similar and what is different about our struggles? How can we help each other recover? - Please share this question with your friends--I'd like lots of comments. & Thanks for your insight.

- Lynn W.

Send or see responses for Lynn W.

Nancy writes:

I am an adult in therapy for treatment of dissociative disorder. I have symptoms I have not seen addressed anywhere--I have incoherent thoughts--when I am under stress, sometimes I find that I cannot understand speech, I cannot read printed words, I cannot talk coherently, and my thoughts are also incoherent. This comes and goes. I have talked to my therapist about it, and he says it is not uncommon with PTSD. But I feel like I am the only person with these symptoms. Several times when I have gone to bed, just before I fall asleep, my thoughts become incoherent, almost as if there is something I am accessing in my mind, but I cannot make it out--then I have a severe anxiety attack, jump out of bed, then fall to the floor with stiffening and then shaking and then sleep. I have been evaluated for neurological problems, and the conclusion was that these are pseudoseizures, brought on by stress. Have you ever heard of or experienced the incoherent thoughts problem?

Send or see responses for Nancy

MK writes:

I have a friend who is urging me to go on disability, and I think about it at times. What are your thoughts on disability? I'm interested in hearing different viewpoints on this. Thanks!

Send or see responses for MK

Jim asks,

I have great difficulty in doing things that I would like for myself - it's like pulling teeth! Could you tell me how common this is amongst the sra survivors you know or have known? I would guess it is common but is it universal or close to it?

Send or see responses for Jim:

CH asks,

I am interested in feeling safe during flashbacks. Does anyone have good ideas about flashback safety or prevention? I'm also interested in medications that may have helped others with DID, and exploring ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) and its possible effect on my parts. Thank you for your help!

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JustUs asks,

While taking our dog out for a morning walk, it dawned on us that we need to learn how to celebrate our victories. Recently, we were able to go deep into our system and uncover the key to our anorexic programming--and wow, things have changed positively in a very short time. This is something we definitely need to recognize and pay tribute to. Our usual habit is to gloss over any successes and just keep pushing ourselves into more and more recovery work (Ok, the label "workaholic" fits). Rarely if ever do we take a healthy break or celebrate. In turn, this leads to the depressing feeling that our struggle will never end. But then we dive right back into dealing with memories and programming issues once more. This cycle needs to change!

At this moment, we don't have friends we feel are trustworthy, who we can share our stuff with. Within the past year we became acutely aware that the folks we were hanging out with were unhealthy (and have cut most ties). So we're looking for ways to have internal achievement parties. There are littles inside with some very good ideas--but we're struggling to act on them. Because much of our abuse involved a perverted twisting of seemingly innocent fun and play activities, there's a tendency to shy away; but we don't want to let this upstage us anymore.

It would be helpful to read about the kinds of things other survivors do, either internally or with other people, to honor their successes. Also, if anyone has had trouble trying to do this, we would appreciate any kind of sharing --either with or without resolution. THANKS!

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Sandy asks,

Do you have some suggestions for rebuilding a support system, when friends are lost through moving, disability or death? I'm in my 60s, and two of my best friends are dying. I'm finding this extremely difficult to deal with, though I know many people my age face these problems, even without the added concern of dissocation. Please share your ideas. Thanks!

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Daisy asks,

I have had a major change in life and cannot afford the weekly therapy I was getting. I feel like I need to stop and want to stop therapy. I feel like I am being manipulated to continue- by my therapist. My question is- how do you know when to stop? How do you know you are just going because the therapist replaces a friend? How do I know if I am being told that my therapist is manipulating me by the protector alter who always wants to quit? But now things are being pointed out to me that make me think that it is true. I also am aware that I do not trust a lot of people right now-kind of paranoid. I also feel that I do not know her (my therapist) - and I guess that is a good clue to my situation because I have gone there for 3 years. I am needing some direction on my path and I do not know how to get it. Thanks!

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The Lost Girls write:

I am feeling very sad and confused.
I was diagnosed with MPD about 14 years ago and sent to see an LCSW with experience in dissociation. It went badly,(she scared me)I attempted suicide and then left therapy. I tried to "get on" with my life, but my functioning ability was very inconsistent. I had a series of hospitalizations, and I was told I defininitely was not "multiple." They said "why are you acting as if you are?" They evaluated me for a thought disorder ,and I left the hospital after two weeks of testing and evaluation with a diagnosis of generalized anxiety disorder. Later, I was diagnosed BPD, Bi-polar, OCD and others. Currently, I am on medication for manic depression, and I have been put on psychiatric diability. I have grown over the years, but my mental illness seems barely touched or healed.

In therapy, I have been having spontaneous age-regression and listening to part of me talk about another part of me who has a different name. I have been moving in and out of different aspects of myself , and I am now starting to experience terror in the sessions, as well as self-hate and many other extreme emotions...

Since my functioning level over the last 14 years has gone up and down, I finally crashed, had to get sober and was awarded disability since my prognosis is very poor. This happened over the last two years. Well, this journey started at age 26--that's when I began cutting--and I am now 40 years old. I am now diagnosed as PTSD and Bi-polar. While I am very dissociative (I believe I have auto-hypnotic experiences, i have amnesia for my childhood, and I have many confusing symptoms related to memory and identity, as well as sexual orientation), I only regress or present as a different "aspect" of myself in therapy.

My greatest frustration is around the lack of consensus about my diagnosis and my feeling of being crazy. Why do I act like I have DID, if I don't? Why do I appear so high-functioning for periods, and then I crash?

The Lost Girls

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Kathy writes:

I have had several car accidents that seem to have happened when an alter took over and I fell unconscious. When it happened again recently I totalled my car. This time they took my license away "until the problem is resolved." I don't disagree with this decision, and am having a number of physical tests done, too. But has this sort of thing happened to anyone else and, if so, what did you have to do to regain your license? Did you have to prove integration legally, in order to drive again? Thanks for any information on this problem.

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Daniel writes,

I have a diagnosis of dissociation. I'm also a FTM (female to male) transgendered person just at the beginning of testosterone therapy. I am hormonally and emotionally 15-1/2 years old. Of course moving in time and being various ages isn't new for us, but this is something even a Whole person would have to go through. I wondered if there are links or other information sources or support for transgendered folks (FTM or MTF) who are dissociative as well.

Multiples have to work harder to do their lives, and information sharing makes it less lonely and gives support and comfort.

Thank you again.

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Veronica writes,

I have been recently diagnosed with DID by my therapist. The insiders and I have a big problem with cutting, drinking, and suicidal thoughts. My therapist does not handle emergencies. Her recommendation is to call 911. I want to prevent my situation from going that far. Who can I/We talk to, to get us through our crisis. What are some other ideas to keep us all Safe while dealing with flashbacks, panic attacks and the fear that overwhelms us? I have a twelve year old son and he is being sucked into this nightmare. Please help. Thanks.

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Diane writes,

How can you learn to be open and honest, when so much about you is a secret? I am a teacher and have always been afraid that I would lose my job if anyone knew about my diagnosis. Only one or two people other than my therapists know. I want to know how to open the door of isolation. Do any of you have suggestions? Thank you for listening and being there!

Diane

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I was diagnosed with MPD/DID and PTSD 13 years ago. My husband and I just learned that we are expecting a baby. I am terrified that I will have a relapse. It has only been in the last 2 years that I have sought "true" therapy. I have since been hospitalized five times. The last hospitalization was about 14 months ago.

I would like to hear from other abuse survivors who have had children successfully. I am looking for some reassurance that I will not relapse and become dissociative again...and that I will be able to raise a healthy child. I would also appreciate comments from therapists on this topic.

Thank you all for your suggestions!

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Anonymous A.L. writes:

I would be interested in hearing perspectives from those who needed to leave their family of origin. to preserve their health. I am physically ill when I am around my family or when I communicate with them, and this has gone on for some years. I vomit, have severe migraines, sob, and become despondent. This, after quite a few years of successful therapy. The pain perseveres.

I have taken awhile to distance, hoping that as I became stronger and healthier and more integrated, I would be able to handle the hostility, narcissism, emotional and verbal abuse better. I hoped perhaps I could simply forget the past and feel peace in the present. I then realized that the emotional abuse continues in the present, making it very difficult. In fact, rather than managing the family dynamics better, I have experienced more awareness than ever and increased anger. I feel deep grief and pain. The less dissociative I become, the more painful the family is for me.

I also feel increased anger and sadness because the family won't discuss multiplicity, or who I am, and they really don't want to know. I realize that, for most of my life, I have been in essence asked to deny my reality and my self. Some years ago, I lost to death the one person in the family that I felt truly loved me. Since then, this has been increasingly difficult. I do care for them, and yet, reality is continually distorted. "You don't feel that. You don't think that. It's not that way. I don't remember that. That didn't happen. No."

Between physical and emotional health, I am considering even more distance. It simply hurts too much. It doesn't seem that the family is interested in changing; more "don't rock the boat". If you chose to leave, how did you do it? How did you deal with feeling guilty for hurting people? Did you write a letter or simply leave? Thanks so much.

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Anon H. writes:

I would like to know how to best cope with mood changes/switches that happen when my partner is stressed. She switches into what one might call a malevolent alter, who is ruthless. She does not like to talk about her condition to me, nor does she feel free to explain it to me. Sometimes I think she is embarrassed at her behavior when the malevolent alter is in control and doesn't want to talk about it, because she feels crazy. This does not happen often. I wish she would not feel so crazy and talk to me about what's going on. I would then have an easier time coping with the "mood swings." I welcome your comments and suggestions.

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Shani writes:

I am a mental health nurse studying for a post graduate certificate in Working with Adults Abused in Childhood. The first part of the course is understanding what happens to kids when abused, and why; the second part is what we can do to help adults recover. I am particularly interested in Dissociation as a response to trauma. I hope an increase in professional understanding will make a difference in the way clients are treated and improve their recovery. So could you help me understand the purpose dissociation serves you, its links with past or current trauma, and what a client might need from a therapist/nurse/professioonal supporter? Any comments on any of these topics would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

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Nancy writes:

I have a wonderful therapist. I went through a whole string of counselors before I found her. I respect and admire her honesty, integrity and intelligence, and I'm pretty sure I trust her. But as always I find this entire thing (dissociation, abuse) hard to accept and acknowledge. I have started to accept bits and pieces as the truth, as I have lived through them. Then suddenly, me or someone flat-out refuses to accept and I go through total hell, which leads to big-time self-destruction. I've been at this for some time, and research and learn as much as possible, but recovery is starting to seem impossible to me, and I refuse to live like this. Does anyone have some ideas that might help?
Thanks for listening.

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Wend writes:

I'd like to see a way to get local based help, from support groups, therapists, friends. I'd love to have a local friend who is recovering from dissociation. If you have a support group in your areas, please list it and tell about your experience. If you have (or have had) friendships with other people who dissociate, please say how it has worked for you--pleasures, problems. Thank you!

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Mike writes:

I am married to a woman with many parts. Some of her parts are physically abusive and violent. She has thrown large objects at me, and hit me in the mouth when I am driving. The other night she threatened to kill me. She is in jail now. Also, she has an alcohol problem and refuses to quit drinking, so she lost her therapist. I don't want to leave her--she's my wife--but I don't know what to do next. We are trying to find a new therapist. Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thanks.

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MaryK asks:

I don't hear voices or lose time, but I have other parts who come out and talk (and write) occasionally. Does this sound familiar to anyone? I'd be interested in hearing from others with other parts, but without time loss. Thanks!

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Touchy Subject:

What is the experience of people who are professional counsellors, but also are recovering from dissociative disorders? And what are the experiences of clients treated by people in this situation? Is there a way to handle this to protect both the recovering professional and the client from damage? If you have opinions, please reply, even if you don't fit the categories of "recovering professional" or "client treated by recovering professional." Thanks.(Anonymity assured).

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Ricky asks:

I've been in therapy now for 11 years. Things are safer but I am still out of the loop as far as knowing what the "others" are up to. They all seem to listen and oversee everything I do, but when they are out is when I lose time. I believe this is called No Co-consciousness. I would value help and advice. PS: I seem to be the host.

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Sabrina asks:

I'd like to hear from people who have dealt with the death of a parent--especially if you were integrating or becoming whole when it happened. This has been a very difficult experience for me.

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Dave asks:

Does anyone out there know if any professionals have studied and written about the different responses to medication among alters? I am diabetic, and my blood sugar readings seem to vary dramatically, depending on which alter is present. My medical doctors think I'm lying. I hope to locate authoritative research data to prove the physiological differences among alters--if this data exists. Please reply!

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Kathy writes:

I am having a lot of trouble right now with one particular part that is spending money, charging things, and generally going around any obstacles I place in her way. It is ruining me financially and causing considerable stress. Any suggestions or solutions from others who've had this experience? Thanks!

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NoName asks:

I have a dissociative disorder. I am also dealing with a physically life-threatening problem (advanced cancer). I feel very overwhelmed. Does anyone out there have suggestions on what might help my system cope with the many different complications that arise due to this condition? I am also very untrusting of others. What are some steps I could take? Have any of you dealt with this? Please write!

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Mary writes:

I would like to know more about the different kinds or levels of dissociation. My doctor says I am not D.I.D., but have PTSD. Yet I know I have different "parts" inside. Would readers please share what it feels like inside, especially if you do not have the D.I.D. diagnosis? And what do you do when you think your doctor has "devalued" you? Thanks

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Pat writes:

I was abused for 10 years by family, and am just now dealing with it. Also I have discovered I blank out for short times. that scares me more than being a multiple. I would like to here from some one can relate with me, especially concerning my blanking out. When I do someone comes out who is a pain it the ..... with a rotten attude, (so they tell me). I have no knowledge before or after it happens, as far as I am concerned I have always been there with no breaks. Does anyone else experience this? What do you do about it? Can it get better? Thanks.

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Jane/Our Sisterhood has questions about work:

I am a 51 year old multiple, recently diagnosed. So far as we have been able to discover, there is no history of childhood abuse. Nevertheless there are 18 of me. We are as alike as sisters - and as different as sisters - and there is the problem.

Speaking collectively, "I" have a long, long history of deciding on a career (or job), and then "forgetting" I did so - "losing interest" suddenly and completely, but not permanently - enrolling in school but suddenly not going any more - wanting to follow absolutely conflicting paths. Used to beat myself up over this until I found out about the MP. Now I understand it. Unfortunately, understanding it doesn't automatically fix it. I'm trying some things, but I'd like some help and don't know where to find it. I have proved unable to continue training that takes longer than a semester, and when I have taken short courses, then I find myself trained to do something I have neither interest nor ability for. (Even though I aced the course!)

I have held jobs longer than a year twice in my life. Once was my own business and if I could have fired me, I would have, for abject inefficiency. (Only some of me would/could do the work, so what should take 6 hours always took 12.) Being my own boss, in my own home, making my own hours did enable me to earn a living for about a decade and through a lot of Stuff. Unfortunately, it is not a business I could start again, due to changes in the field.

The other time was factory work and the stress nearly destroyed me. We are still licking our wounds from that one. When things seem to be progressing nicely, after a while The Changes come around and there's a different "executive committee" and everything goes haywire. Our interests and abilities are different enough that whatever one likes, there's someone else who hates it.

Nowadays we communicate better and when someone in back is complaining, the one in front hears it as well as feeling the resistance, flak, and blockage in the energy required to do the task at hand. It seems to work, at least for a while, for several of me to work part time. Scheduling is a challenge, and part-time jobs tend to be insecure and not pay decently.

A few years ago I had a temp job for 9 months that all of us could and would do. It was totally mindless and I was left completely alone to do it at my own pace. While my hands were busy, all sorts of creative and interesting things could go on "upstairs" and we loved it. But it was a temp job - low pay, no security - and it ended.

I have not had good experiences with counseling and am not in therapy. I doubt that traditional therapy offers much for the presenting problem, which is how the heck to make a living with18 women sharing one body, one Day-Timer and no career goals. I think I'm probably too darned functional to get disability but I'm too dysfunctional to work effectively. Does anyone know of any resources that might be helpful in solving this particular problem? Thanks!

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